Teen Dating Rules
By JAMI KUNZER
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| Dan Schuch, 16 (left), Mary Schuch, 15, and Canaan Holdener, 15, practice playing music.
(Photos by JEFF KRAGE) |
Like any parent, Mary Schuch never feels like she has all the answers when it comes to parenting.
And that includes parenting a teen who’s dating.
But after raising 11 kids, ranging in age from 15 to 37, Schuch does have some insight.
The Woodstock mom knows how difficult it can be to enforce dating rules at a time when the media’s influence is immense.
“It’s hard for young kids these days to adhere to the old-fashioned dating rules because what they see on videos and television and everything else is so contrary to the old-fashioned ways,” Schuch says.
With Facebook, texting and other social media available to today’s youth, dating and even breaking up creates a whole new dating atmosphere.
Everyone tends to know about it, says Julie Fanning, a social worker and therapist who regularly hosts a “Teen Thinking Errors Group” in West Dundee and also has an office in Geneva.
“And everyone has an opinion,” she says.
Helping teens navigate through this dating world can be tough for parents, but Fanning says the best thing they can do is trust their instincts.
“They know their kids best,” she says. “They know if their kids are ready or not.”
Schuch says she’s made mistakes over the years because she’s tried so hard to do the right thing.
Still, she does know that you can’t simply wait until your child is a pre-teen or teen to tackle the topic.
“I feel that if a parent spends a lot of time with them when they’re small, talking with them, working with them, playing with them and developing a deep, loving relationship, as they get older and [parents] start to give advice, they’ll more readily listen to it,” she says.
“When children are teenagers, they need the opportunity on a regular basis to have a parent available to them,” she says.
“You can’t ignore them until they’re 14 or 15 and then say, ‘Now, I’m going to lay down the law.”
Put simply, parents must remain present, she says.
Schuch didn’t allow her children to really date until they were at least 16.
The dating age can vary depending on the maturity of children as well as the relationship they have with their parents, professionals say.
Every child matures differently, says Greta Nielsen, a mental health counselor for Arbor Counseling Center, which has offices in Gurnee, Crystal Lake, Buffalo Grove and Hoffman Estates.
“It’s not a hard and fast rule, like at 16, you can drive. At 18, you can see an ‘R’ movie,” she says. “My standard guideline for parents to try to follow is to always let it start slowly, allowing more freedom and responsibility as we see how you respond to it.”
Above all, experts say, communication between all involved is key.
It’s not unusual for 9 or 10 year olds to come home and say they’d like to date or have a boyfriend or girlfriend, Fanning says.
“Dating” to them, though, could mean sitting across from a significant other in the cafeteria, not talking.
Still, it’s important to have a sort of game-plan in place, Fanning says.
“Kind of know [the subject of dating is] going to come up so you’re not blindsided,” she says.
Know your children’s friends and families, because that will help you predict whether you’re in for problems, she says.
And don’t be afraid to say “yes” once in awhile if there’s not a safety issue or another reason to say no when your child asks to spend time with someone, she says.
“You’re going to have to say no so much, it goes to building that relationship,” she says.
“Sometimes we say no just to say no or because we’re not sure.”
On the flip side, parents might give their children too much freedom because they want them to be happy, she says.
Just know where they’re going and who they’re with, she says.
It’s best for teens to date in groups first, she says. Parents tend to know when their kids are ready for one-on-one dates.
“If you think there’s a problem, there probably is a problem,” she says.
House Rules*
- Encourage supervised group activities. Know and support the groups your teen participates in.
- Set an age for dating. Be clear that there will be no dating before this age.
- Make it clear that your teen will not date anyone who is more than two years older or younger than he or she.
- Make sure that your teen is not spending a lot of time in unsupervised situations. Sports, tutoring and even after-school jobs are positive ways to ensure that your teen is safe and productive during the after-school hours.
- Tell your teen that it is against the rules to entertain a boyfriend or girlfriend in personal spaces like bedrooms. “First sex” often happens at home in an unsupervised area of the house.
- Set clear guidelines for your teen’s outing. Where will you be? Who will you be with? When will you be home? How can I reach you?
- No alcohol. No drugs. No tobacco.
- Be available to pick up your teen if he or she calls in an uncomfortable or threatening environment or situation.
- Set rules for what your teen son or daughter can listen to, read and watch. Consider keeping the TV and computer in a public area of the home so you will know what your teen is watching.
- Be available to talk with your teen daily. Good communication supports good decisions.
*Source: “Parents, Speak Up! A Guide for Discussing Relationships and Waiting to Have Sex,” U.S. Department of Health & Human Services
