Building Bridges
BY ELIZABETH HARMON
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| Laura Retzlaff plays soccer with her grandson Tyler Dobbie. She coached his team last year. (Photo by DAVE SHIELDS) |
Tyler Dobbie, 12, loves being part of a big, extended family. Whether it’s spending time with his uncle, aunt and cousins at their Wisconsin cabin, talking technology with his grandfather or attending family reunions, he enjoys the shared experiences and family stories.
“Because I was born when everyone [in my family] was so young, I’ve gotten to know lots of people and learn more about them,” Dobbie says.
His grandmother, Laura Retzlaff of rural McHenry County, has learned a lot from him, too, including the finer workings of a particular sport he likes to play.
“I didn’t know anything about soccer, but I coached his team,” says Retzlaff, 51.
“It was a unique experience. I had girls, and you don’t coach Barbie dolls, but I learned as I went.”
“She was a good coach,” says Dobbie, a sixth grader at Creekside Middle School in Woodstock.“She let us scrimmage at every practice.”
Retzlaff also has exposed Tyler to travel, culture and other interests she feels have enriched both their lives.
“I want him to do more than play video games,” she says.
Dobbie is one of the 2.9 million American children and teens being raised by a grandparent.
The 2000 U.S. Census counted 2.5 million children living in a grandparent-headed household. But a 2010 Pew Research Center study shows the number has been rising steadily and jumped six percent between 2007 and 2008.
McHenry County reflects the national trend.
Senior Services Associates provides information and referrals to seniors in McHenry, Kane and Kendall counties. Carol Lee, who works out of the McHenry office, said her agency becomes aware of seniors raising their grandchildren when seniors request information on HeadStart and other child-related programs.
Based on her observations, she agrees grandparent-headed families are increasing.
“We have two or three every six months, and recently, I had two requests in one day,” Lee says.
The grandparent might be a co-parent, when an adult child moves back home with their children, often for economic reasons. Other times, the child may live only with a grandparent on a temporary or permanent basis, due to a parent’s death or incapacity.
“There are situations where [the Department of Children and Family Services] removes a child from their parent’s home and the grandparent steps in to care for the child,” says Stephanie Stromberger, a licensed clinical professional counselor with Family Service and Community Mental Health Center in McHenry.
The child may have physical, emotional or academic issues that grandparents are not prepared for.
“They have to parent differently than the way they parented their own children,” she says. “The child often has different needs, and they’ve been out of the parenting role for a long time.”
Financial and legal strains are common in grandparent-headed families, says Peggy O’Connor, who will soon become the coordinator of a McHenry County grandparent’s support group offered through the University of Illinois Extension office in Woodstock.
O’Connor and her husband raised their grandson Kevin, now 21. Their struggles and the testimonies of other grandparents before the Illinois Task Force on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren inspired her to get involved.
She advocates for recognition of the millions of children being raised by grandparents, stronger legal standing for grandparents involved in custody battles, and improving access to social services, health care and financial assistance.
“The laws support biological families, but 70 percent of the children who are being raised by their grandparents come from situations where there’s been abandonment, abuse, neglect or other issues,” O’Connor says.
A lawmaker once commented to O’Connor that helping a grandchild in crisis was a grandparent’s job.
“You can’t hug away ADD, abandonment issues or abuse,” she says.
“We aren’t just babysitting until the parent gets on their feet. Most of the time, the parent is never getting back on their feet.”
Retzlaff was close to becoming an empty-nester when she and her husband became Dobbie’s permanent legal guardians. She says this realization was eye-opening.
“I expect most grandparents in this situation think it’s temporary until the parent gets on their feet,”
Retzlaff says.
“But one day, the light comes on, and you see it’s long-term.
O’Connor has written a book, “Born Into Love: The Unconditional Love of Grandparents Raising Their Grandchildren,” which was published in 2010. It is available through Amazon, Barnes and Noble and her website, www.peggyjoconnor.com.
The title reflects what she believes is the most valuable gift a grandparent can give a
grandchild.
“Unconditional love is the basic thing kids need,” she says. “When they can’t get it from their parents, grandparents are there to step in.”
Colleen Campbell, a licensed clinical social worker in Crystal Lake, agrees grandparents have much to offer the grandchildren they raise, such as stability, values, practical skills and the connection to an extended family.
“The stories and legacy that are passed down are huge for a child’s self-esteem,” Campbell says.
