The Dating Game: Advice From A Pro

Once dating, do a variety of things on dates. You want to see what the other person is like in a variety of situations.

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To enjoy dating, know why you’re doing it.

The tip is one of several offered by licensed clinical psychologist Vicki Santos, Psy. D., of Creative Psychology Ltd. in Crystal Lake.

In general, she says, people date for three reasons: to go out and have fun, to have a companion for nights out and activities or to find someone for a long-term commitment or marriage.

“Look for people who share the same goals,” Santos says.

Santos also offers the following advice, especially for those dating in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s.

If you haven’t been successful in the past, don’t pick the same type of person repeatedly
Perhaps it’s a trait or an activity such as drinking that has been identified as a sort of deal breaker. But, for some reason, “They continue to pick people who have this same trait or engage in these same activities,” Santos says.

Look at yourself, not just the relationship
“People come in because they think they’ve got a relationship problem, and they do, but on a deeper level, they have a problem with taking care of themselves,” Santos says. “They get into the relationship and try to figure out what the person wants and try to be that.”

By doing so, they fail to find a good match for who they truly are as a person, she says.

“Then they wonder why they’re frustrated or irritated or worn out or unhappy in some other way,” she says.

The best way to go into a relationship is to be yourself
Do things you’re interested in, that you have a passion for.

“That makes you interesting to other people, and you’ll probably end up attracting the type of person who will work well with you in a relationship,” Santos says.

Be open to unconventional relationships
In years past, sort of unspoken rules applied that you date someone within your age range, race and socioeconomic status.

“I think some of those things have changed,” Santos says. “I’ve seen a lot of women with partners who were 10 or 15 years younger than them and very happy in the relationships.”

And people in interracial relationships often have stronger relationships, having had to potentially deal with resistance or negative comments, she says.

Fearful of dating? You still need to get out there
Join a group you’re interested in, Santos says.

“A group setting is much less intimidating,” she says. “Get out there and get used to being around people, and maybe meet people in the process.”

Also, you could let your friends know, and they might be able to play matchmaker, Santos says.

Online dating sites and other social networks can work as filters
Using the Internet to find potential dating partners can help, as long as it’s not the only thing you do.

“It opens the doors for people,” Santos says. “It makes connecting with people easier. You’re able to get a glimpse of what they are.”

Still, after the initial meeting phase, today’s tehnology really hasn’t changed the actual dating process tremendously, she says.

Put a time limit on the first date
Meet for lunch for an hour or a drink after work, Santos suggests, “so you’re not locked into something you’re uncomfortable with.”

“You know it’s brief, and you know there’s an endpoint,” she says.

Dating is a learning opportunity
You’re going to learn something about the other person, and you might just learn something about yourself.

“Putting the focus on learning about someone takes some of the pressure off to finding Mr. Right or Ms. Right,” Santos says.

Consider words of advice
Remember the wisdom of an older woman who once told Santos, “You will find many people you can live with, but what you really want to find is someone you can’t imagine living without.”

Don’t rush into commitments just because the person is “nice,” Santos says. They can be nice and still not be a good match for you.

Once dating, do a variety of things on dates
Spend a quiet evening together, go to a party, play a competitive game of some type, go shopping, attend sports events, go on a hike or walk, work on a project together, prepare a meal together, baby-sit together or visit with each other’s family.

“You want to see what the other person is like in a variety of situations,” Santos says.

Find a helping hand
If you do have significant trouble maintaining relationships, perhaps you should talk to a professional therapist, Santos suggests. Building social skills or making adjustments in thinking can help you become more confident and comfortable dating, she says.

Discover the truth
Regardless of your age, it all comes back to knowing yourself and taking care of yourself, Santos says.

“Understand the reason why you’re out there dating,” she says.